Faces In

Condensation

"Great adventures, still posted at your station. Always on about the day it should have flyed



You know you're better than this


Come make a start, got your heart in a headlock.
You say too late to start, got your heart in a headlock,
Afraid to start with your heart in a headlock,
You know you're better than this."



- Imogen Heap

So, I'm on the train coming back from chicago, and I decide to listen to Imogen. I should have known it would hit me. It always happens when I haven't listened to her in awhile, and I'm having troubles. I have an epiphany. Imogifany. She always does it. I'm back to a point of stagnance. I had my liscense, and everything was seeming to go well, and then I rolled my dad's truck. The truth is, i'm still struggling with what happened with Dad's truck. It was the dumbest thing I've ever done, and I don't know if... honestly, If I meant it to happen. I was stupid. I don't know what on earth propelled my foot to stay on that pedal. I have no idea. I just want to feel something, and I wonder every day, if subconciously, I did it on purpose, or if I just paniced and made a mistake. I am stagnant. Nothing is moving. And It took a 5 hour trainride full of motion and fall scenery to wake me from my slumber. I have not been putting my all into school, and I need to. I'm not like, doing badly or anything, but I've missed like three classes now, and that's not like me. not even in Highschool. I went to highschool every day of highschool. Well, i skipped a lot senior year, but I've just been BLOWING college off. I'm not one to pay 800 dollars for school and then just relax while I self destruct.



Chicago was great. It's coming back that i'm having a problem with. I went to see Jess for her 19th birthday, and everyone in that city has something to say, and they'll tell you without your caring. I saw people sleeping on the ground in 40 degree weather, and we talked to a wonman who cleans at a hotel, and it was on jess' actual birthday, and she told me something that really hit me.


You only get one nineteen. You only get one Twenty. You only get one Twenty One.



Make the most of it.



and thus far, I am NOT making the most of it, and I know that I should be. I regret so badly now not doing well in highschool. God damn. That would make everything that's happening to me right now so easy. I could have gone to a REAL school, and gotten financial aid and scholarships, and all I had to do was do fucking homework. All i had to do was blow off my friends for schoolwork for like an hour every night. now i'm stuck in community college, and i'm lost, and I'm going into an industry where people are unsure about ever even getting a fucking job.



I passed up being accepted into a pretty good film program for being in love with Greg.


God, I threw so much away for Greg, and now I hardly even see him. We're not even together, which to me, was such a god damn sure thing, that I didn't have to worry. Things would meet. Things would just happen.


nothing fucking happened, and now i'm cleaning up the mess that I made for myself, and I don't even have the heart to feel sorry for myself, so i dont expect anyone else to. It's a bed that I clearly made for myself.


and it has a shitty mattress with rusty springs and burlap sheets.


and I hate it.



I need a new bed.  I need for once in my life, for THIS wakeup to be the ONE that gets me. The one that's like - Hey, cole. you want to do anything with your life? you want to ever amount to anything? You know EXACTLY what you have to do to get there, and for your entire life, you've been procrastinating. Why?


Why is it that I decide that I'll learn how to to this later, and i'll lose weight and get into shape later. And I'll do well in school later.


It's later RIGHT now, and the only thing that i'm really finding is that i should have done all of this earlier. EARLIER. And I find myself thinking about , "If Id' just done this then, I could be doing this now" - but the fact is purely that i did NOT do that then, and I am now instead doing THIS now. What I CAN do, is make sure that the decisions that i'm making today will positively effect the situation I will be in later. I will grudgingly get my associates degree from a communuty college, and I will go to a better school for my bachelor's. I will get a student loan and i will PRAY TO GOD that by the time I graduate, I have a job that will pay it off.


But first thing is first, and that's right now. Right now, i'm going to diet again. I'm going to COMMIT to that diet. I'm going to excercise, even if i'm still tired. I'm going to work my ass off. I'm only going to spend 40 dollars a week. twenty for whatever I desire. 20 in gas to courtney for taking me to school. I just bought new clothes, I don't really need any more. I don't need anything else. Money, from this day on, will no longer burn a hole in my pocket. I need to get a car. courtney's car is my best bet. Driving is essential to independence. That's why people are so stupid about having their licenses taken away. Driving is a part of not depending on people to get what you need. Right now, I'm depending WAY too much on Courtney and Alie, and my Parents, and my Grandparents, just to get me around. I overextended my bank account, not because i didn't have the money, but because I didn't have a ride to the bank to cash my check.I'm making plenty of money. I should be saving WAY more of it than i am currently.


I'm enrolled in school, and I'm not taking that seriously enough, either. C'mon cole. It's college. It's expensive. DO IT. I don't know what the hell my problem has been. I'm going running tonight. I will go running every day. I need to be healthy. It gives me endorphans. i've been slacking so much in that area lately. Ever since Kelly had surgery, I stopped going running, because I don't like people to see me exercise. It's not flattering, and it puts me in a point that I feel is weakness. It shows that I have to work to look good, and I think that anyone successful just plays it off like they look that good without effort. It takes a lot of effort, and I've still not reached a level of looking GREAT.


On looks... They are important. i don't care what people say about personality, that can only get you so far. The rest of it is in the way that you look. You have to be pleasing to the eye to find a mate and be happy, and succeed. Especially in the buisiness that i want to be going into. Everyone knows deep down (or at least I do) what steps they have to take to look their best. Only a select few take those steps.



Everyone knows what they have to do to improve their quality of life.  I've just mapped out what all I need to do. I have to ignore my depression. I have to get out of bed and do what I know I need to do. I have to fucking learn. I have to fucking do shit.


"You know it's time that we grow old and do some shit"

 - broken Social Scene




And it IS time. It IS TIME, Cole. RIGHT NOW.



NOW, I HAVE TO WAKE UP TODAY AND DO SHIT, NOT TOMORROW.



My life is tomorrow after tomorrow after tomorrow, and Today is today. Now is NOW. I'm starting right NOW.




















Just watch me make this happen.
















Cole