A Perfect

Lie

It's friday. I just got off of work, and here's what I think about work. I think that it's a good time to just turn yourself off and think. You don't really have to pay a lot of attention, it's kind of robotic, so I just pretty much thought all day. I loved it. Here is my dilemma.


I feel like life is not moving. Without the rigid structure of Highschool, I feel like I'm just fucking off all the time. I'm not. I've worked 32 hours this week, and I have classes on top of that. But it FEELS like I'm headed nowhere, doing nothing. I feel lost. I don't really FEEL anything. I'm at that point, I've been here before. I'm completely numb, and I'm not taking any steps to get myself where I want to be. I'm going to school, yes, but I feel like I should be writing. I need to get all my creative juices flowing before I run out of them, I think. I don't know. I've thought about doing so many things with my life, and there is not one option that people could call "safe". I want to sing, god knows that's all I want in this world. But if that doesn't work out, I want to be involved with television. I'm going to FILM school, so that I can make good tv.


I have a passion for tv, it's true. I get sucked into all these dramas, and they become a part of me. I want a part in that. I want to make something that latches itself into everyday society like Grey's. I want something powerful. I just don't know how I'm supposed to get myself there. At any rate, I'm only taking two classes this semester, so I still feel kind of like I'm not doing anything. But I AM.


I've been watching Nip/Tuck a lot lately. I love Nip/Tuck. It could be my favorite show. I have a hundred of those , but it's certainly one of them, I think. I don't know. My life is moving slow.



I haven't seen Ryan in over a week now, and with him moving to college so soon, I really worry about our relationship. I've worked so hard to get us where we are, and now it seems like we're just going to take a huge step backward. I'm going to see him once a week, if I'm lucky. Will we stay together through all of this? If we can't make time to see eachother when he's a mile away, how am I ever going to see him when he's in flint? These are pressing issues. Was the whole thing a mistake? Did I just want affection so badly that I latched onto the first person I found? I didn't think so, but the more and more we date, the more I at least think that that's why I'm staying with him. I could just be preparing myself for not seeing him. I don't know. Everything is jumbled and confused, and I feel like a blur.


I feel like everyone else is moving at lightspeed to their destination, and I am alone in the crowd, shuffling my feet, still, in a sea of motion.


that was the first creative thought I've yet to put into one of these blogs. my old one was filled with them. Where has my essence gone? Where am I? What wisdom do I have?



I don't know what to do or think anymore. It just seems like this is the end, which is so unrealistic, because I know I have this huge journey ahead of me, but I don't even know where I'm going, so how could I know how to get there?It's really weird, the whole growing up thing. I'm becoming an adult. I can no longer hide out in the councelor's office at school. I have to PAY for classes. I have to ATTEND them. I have to SUCCEED. If I want to do ANYTIHNG with my life, I have to buckle down, which i'm prepared for, but while i'm doing it, I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing, because I cannot see the benefit at the end. It's a distant glimmer that I head toward and walk every day. But it doesn't seem to get any larger with time. So I just keep walking, waiting until I feel like I'm closer. It doesn't happen. I'll let you know when it does.




Cole