You Could Stand

Under My Umbrella...



So... I've decided that it's finally time for Smiles in the Dark to be back up and running. But I wanted a clean slate, so I started a completely new one. God knows if I'll even tell people about it. But I've been not blogging for long enough now, and I've really missed it.


This is a big time, we're all going through some pretty big shit, you know? Wednesday was the supposed biggest day of my life other than my wedding. I started COLLEGE. Not hardcore college like everyone else, god knows I'm not good enough for that. I go to community college. haha. But that's a big deal nonetheless. I'm now PAYING for my education, and so I have to take it far more seriously. Growing up is so gay. But I've also wanted to be grown up since I was like 4. So I'm finally where I want to be, but I'm not so sure I want it all at once like this. I don't know. I'm a confused person, as I'm sure most kids are right now, starting school. It's really a big deal, you know? It's not a joke anymore. And it's not this thing I keep talking about but never see. I made it to college. I've been talking about it since elementary school, and here I am. A college student.


So me and Ryan have been going out for two months as of yesterday. I love that I'm starting this blog now, because the original Smiles in the Dark ( www.morbidpoe111.blogdrive.com )was started as a platform for me to Ryan bash the last time we went out. I like to read through my old entries and see how sometimes I was wise for my age, and sometimes I acted it. Everything was so dramatic back then. I'm happy to say that I'm leading a life now that's pretty close to drama free. i've been working this summer on letting go of all my pent up anger. I forgave a lot this summer, because I tend to be the type to hold a grudge. I finally forgave Ryan, and that was the best possible thing I could have done, because now look where I am? I'm happier than ever. I forgave my stepmom, which just ended up giving me more to be angry for, because it made me veunerable to her again, and she, as usual took advantage of that. Some people just can't be trusted, and that's another lesson I had to learn. But some people can. I forgave Alie, and now we're as close as ever, and I don't even care about all the shit that's now completely in hindsight. I had a reality check, I guess. I had to straighten out my priorities. I had to think about myself and my own sanity for awhile, which, I surprisingly never do. Even I would assume that, being me, I'd be kind of selfish, but in reality, everything I do is strategically planned to make people happy, or to piss them off. I plan it all out. But still, pretty much everything I do is for someone else.


So life's a lot different for me now. I'm just doing a lot of thinking and changing, and I think starting the old blog back up is a really good way to organize my thoughts and get other people's opinions about it too. It's always good to hear another person's perspective on an issue. At this point I don't have a car or a liscence, but I just got a job at intimate ideas. I'm pretty far from independant, which I hate. Back in the day when I last blogged, I was more independant. Now that I'm a big kid, I have real things that i have to spend my money on, so I can't just do whatever I want with it anymore. I have to pay for my wireless internet. i'm going to have to pay for car insurance and for my car. I have to pay for school. Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my Automobills, can you pay my telephone bill? If you did then maybe we could chill. Haha. Destiny's child, you slay me. So that's the issue. I'm back to relying on my parents, and I'm at a point in my life, where I'm supposed to be breaking off and growing up, not asking for help with things. But I guess parents help a lot of kids out with school.

This is a really boring first entry, and for that I apoligise, I promise, I get more interesting.






Cole