In the



Major Key

Well, I'm certainly at a completely different point in my life than I was the last entry I wrote. To begin, It's the beginning of march, and I got quite sick shortly after Christmas, causing me to have major panic attacks, and all of my old OCD phobias to return. It's been chaotic, but if it's done anything good, It's that number one, I rid myself of the negative influences in my life, (or rather, they rid themselves of me).


To explain, I don't know what happened in the two weeks I was out of commission for being sick, but Greg, Courtney, and Alie all decided to stop talking to me. I was kind of fine with it, because I realized I was only using them for the times that I wasn't with Jess and Lex anyhow. Also, I've been completely drug and alcohol free for a month now, and I intend to keep it that way for a long time. I've also been meat free for about three weeks. I'm very proud of all of these things. For the first time in three years, I could pass a drug test. That's a big deal! I've never been able to do that.


however,with jess and lex both gone at college, I do get quite lonely here. I work a lot, but that can only do so much. I don't have that group of friends that has surrounded me DAILY for the past three years. I'm doing alright with it though. I've found ways to enjoy my solitude, I guess. Maybe even cherish it? That, of course, is not to say that I don't still get depressed, by all means, I do, maybe on a daily basis, but I'm making it by.


I've found a new hobby, one that I think will one day turn into a song or a movie, and it goes something like this.



Number one,  I facebook a boy on the internet. I just send him a private message that says " I don't know you, but you're beautiful"

that's all.


and then they respond, I add them as a friend, and nothing really happens.

Nothing that they know about.


this is creepy, so bear with me a little bit, ok?

I find out where they live and what they do, get a hang of their schedule, and then I find them in real life, and I follow them around and just watch them. Like a stalker, but I don't have any creepy feelings toward them, I'm not going to DO anything with it, I just want to know. just to keep a personal record. I don't know. I'm not sure what it's going to become yet, but I quiiite like it. I did it today, I'm stalking this boy who works at the library, and I drove there and just, well, I just watched the kid. I dunno.


I got a kick out of it, that's for sure.


My phobias are getting ridiculous. I had to wash cash today. WASH IT. SUBMERGE IT IN WATER AND FUCKING SCRUB IT.


I was at the gas station, and I drop my wallet in the slush, and i'm like whatever, it's fucking slush, right?


WRONG.


It's like gas all over the goddamn ground, so my wallet REAKS, and I can't even fucking deal with that shit, so I'm like, Scrambling, trying not to faint from what I believe are noxious fumes coming off of my fucking wallet. Not only that, but I still fucking had a book to buy. I have one non-gas contaminated 20 in my pocket and i'm thanking GOD for that, you know? So I go in to Barnes and Noble and I get the book (invisible monsters by CP) And Ok, this is strange to explain. The gas was on one of my hands, and that hand touched my car keys. The keys went in my right pocket. So now the right pocket is contaminated. So I go into barnes and noble, ask some fat black guy "do y'all have a bathroom" ( I started saying y'all cause alexa did it one time at country market and some lady responded very well to it, so now I think it's cute) and he directs me to the bathroom, and I go in and DUR I wash my hands. So I get the book with CLEAN hands and I go to check out. It's like thirtenn dollars, so I'm like looking in my left pocket for the money, and it's fucking NOT THERE. Its in the CONTAMINATED right pocket. And I'm fucking pissed at like, god, or someone now. So I hand it to her, which contaminated her hands. LUCKILY, she already had the book in the bag cause I couldn't find my 20, so she didn't touch it, right? so she hands me my now contaiminated change which i put in my contaminated right pocket, and then she SHOVES A CONTAMINATED RECEIPT INTO THE BAG.

needless to say, when I got home, I emptied my walled and WASHED it's entire contents. Then I WASHED the outside of the book. It unfortunately now has light water damage, but I can't even take that shit you know??



And it's shit like this that happens to me on the DAILY. EVERY SINGLE DAY.


I go to subway, the guy making me a sub has a hair on his nose, so I buy it like a nice person, and then I THROW IT FUCKING OUT THE WINDOW ON THE HIGHWAY BECAUSE I'M AFRAID THAT IF I EAT IT I'LL DIE.




It's really irritiating, but I also think it's mildly fascinating.



so yep.






<3 c

Faces In

Condensation

"Great adventures, still posted at your station. Always on about the day it should have flyed



You know you're better than this


Come make a start, got your heart in a headlock.
You say too late to start, got your heart in a headlock,
Afraid to start with your heart in a headlock,
You know you're better than this."



- Imogen Heap

So, I'm on the train coming back from chicago, and I decide to listen to Imogen. I should have known it would hit me. It always happens when I haven't listened to her in awhile, and I'm having troubles. I have an epiphany. Imogifany. She always does it. I'm back to a point of stagnance. I had my liscense, and everything was seeming to go well, and then I rolled my dad's truck. The truth is, i'm still struggling with what happened with Dad's truck. It was the dumbest thing I've ever done, and I don't know if... honestly, If I meant it to happen. I was stupid. I don't know what on earth propelled my foot to stay on that pedal. I have no idea. I just want to feel something, and I wonder every day, if subconciously, I did it on purpose, or if I just paniced and made a mistake. I am stagnant. Nothing is moving. And It took a 5 hour trainride full of motion and fall scenery to wake me from my slumber. I have not been putting my all into school, and I need to. I'm not like, doing badly or anything, but I've missed like three classes now, and that's not like me. not even in Highschool. I went to highschool every day of highschool. Well, i skipped a lot senior year, but I've just been BLOWING college off. I'm not one to pay 800 dollars for school and then just relax while I self destruct.



Chicago was great. It's coming back that i'm having a problem with. I went to see Jess for her 19th birthday, and everyone in that city has something to say, and they'll tell you without your caring. I saw people sleeping on the ground in 40 degree weather, and we talked to a wonman who cleans at a hotel, and it was on jess' actual birthday, and she told me something that really hit me.


You only get one nineteen. You only get one Twenty. You only get one Twenty One.



Make the most of it.



and thus far, I am NOT making the most of it, and I know that I should be. I regret so badly now not doing well in highschool. God damn. That would make everything that's happening to me right now so easy. I could have gone to a REAL school, and gotten financial aid and scholarships, and all I had to do was do fucking homework. All i had to do was blow off my friends for schoolwork for like an hour every night. now i'm stuck in community college, and i'm lost, and I'm going into an industry where people are unsure about ever even getting a fucking job.



I passed up being accepted into a pretty good film program for being in love with Greg.


God, I threw so much away for Greg, and now I hardly even see him. We're not even together, which to me, was such a god damn sure thing, that I didn't have to worry. Things would meet. Things would just happen.


nothing fucking happened, and now i'm cleaning up the mess that I made for myself, and I don't even have the heart to feel sorry for myself, so i dont expect anyone else to. It's a bed that I clearly made for myself.


and it has a shitty mattress with rusty springs and burlap sheets.


and I hate it.



I need a new bed.  I need for once in my life, for THIS wakeup to be the ONE that gets me. The one that's like - Hey, cole. you want to do anything with your life? you want to ever amount to anything? You know EXACTLY what you have to do to get there, and for your entire life, you've been procrastinating. Why?


Why is it that I decide that I'll learn how to to this later, and i'll lose weight and get into shape later. And I'll do well in school later.


It's later RIGHT now, and the only thing that i'm really finding is that i should have done all of this earlier. EARLIER. And I find myself thinking about , "If Id' just done this then, I could be doing this now" - but the fact is purely that i did NOT do that then, and I am now instead doing THIS now. What I CAN do, is make sure that the decisions that i'm making today will positively effect the situation I will be in later. I will grudgingly get my associates degree from a communuty college, and I will go to a better school for my bachelor's. I will get a student loan and i will PRAY TO GOD that by the time I graduate, I have a job that will pay it off.


But first thing is first, and that's right now. Right now, i'm going to diet again. I'm going to COMMIT to that diet. I'm going to excercise, even if i'm still tired. I'm going to work my ass off. I'm only going to spend 40 dollars a week. twenty for whatever I desire. 20 in gas to courtney for taking me to school. I just bought new clothes, I don't really need any more. I don't need anything else. Money, from this day on, will no longer burn a hole in my pocket. I need to get a car. courtney's car is my best bet. Driving is essential to independence. That's why people are so stupid about having their licenses taken away. Driving is a part of not depending on people to get what you need. Right now, I'm depending WAY too much on Courtney and Alie, and my Parents, and my Grandparents, just to get me around. I overextended my bank account, not because i didn't have the money, but because I didn't have a ride to the bank to cash my check.I'm making plenty of money. I should be saving WAY more of it than i am currently.


I'm enrolled in school, and I'm not taking that seriously enough, either. C'mon cole. It's college. It's expensive. DO IT. I don't know what the hell my problem has been. I'm going running tonight. I will go running every day. I need to be healthy. It gives me endorphans. i've been slacking so much in that area lately. Ever since Kelly had surgery, I stopped going running, because I don't like people to see me exercise. It's not flattering, and it puts me in a point that I feel is weakness. It shows that I have to work to look good, and I think that anyone successful just plays it off like they look that good without effort. It takes a lot of effort, and I've still not reached a level of looking GREAT.


On looks... They are important. i don't care what people say about personality, that can only get you so far. The rest of it is in the way that you look. You have to be pleasing to the eye to find a mate and be happy, and succeed. Especially in the buisiness that i want to be going into. Everyone knows deep down (or at least I do) what steps they have to take to look their best. Only a select few take those steps.



Everyone knows what they have to do to improve their quality of life.  I've just mapped out what all I need to do. I have to ignore my depression. I have to get out of bed and do what I know I need to do. I have to fucking learn. I have to fucking do shit.


"You know it's time that we grow old and do some shit"

 - broken Social Scene




And it IS time. It IS TIME, Cole. RIGHT NOW.



NOW, I HAVE TO WAKE UP TODAY AND DO SHIT, NOT TOMORROW.



My life is tomorrow after tomorrow after tomorrow, and Today is today. Now is NOW. I'm starting right NOW.




















Just watch me make this happen.
















Cole

The Sky Is Grey

And It's Been Raining All Day


I think it's probably time to organize some thoughts. Update since I've last written; I broke up with Ryan, but still decided to remain friends with him. I find it's positive, and he is less annoying in smaller doses. He still has a lot of growing up to do, and I need to stop waiting around for him to do it. I will still remain close with him, I'm sure.

I regret some of the things that I said about Greg. I hung out with Greg in Hartland again for the first time in a long time. We did some reminiscing, and I kind of realized how many good memories I'd been blocking out. I don't know why, but when Greg moved, It seemed like that whole phase of my life moved with him. And I liked it. But what I failed to realize is that even though Greg is no longer a part of my life like he used to be, He'll always be a part of my life. He is one of my closest friends, and we have a lot of issues, most of which remain undiscussed, but maybe they don't need to be discussed. Maybe it's time that I finally bit the bullet and just let go of all the shit I've been keeping in. It doesn't matter on a larger scale anyway.


Which leads me to the big idea here. The larger scale. Ah, the ever-present existential issue. Do I matter? What difference can I make? Even if I change every person on this planet for the better, is it even for anything? Or are we just machines put here to work out and terminate? I suppose I would have no way of being disappointed if that happened when I died. But I have an entire lifetime ahead of me to be dissapointed that everything I do, everything that makes me feel good about myself, none of it matters, because I am a machine. My theory on religion up until recently has been this; We know that the brain controls the body through chemical releases and eletromagnetic signals. What no one has yet to explain, is what controls what the release of what at what time. Some stimuli produce certain effects, but these effects are different on every person. So my theory was that there was a "soul" controlling the concious thoughts, and that the release of hormones and signals was to tell the body what the soul was feeling. Therefore, you don't feel sad because of a lack of dopomine in your brain, you lack dopomine in your brain because you are sad. the hormones and signals are not the cause of feelings, but the effect. A way of reading them.

It barely makes sence in my mind, but grasping, it does.


Then I came to a bitter realization. The only reason I believe that I must be more than a machine, is because I WANT to be more than a machine. If I just accepted that I was a machine, nothing that I did would matter. For it's own survival and development, my body prevents me from accepting my iminant fate, because without purpose I will cease to exist. Humans believe in something else out of necessity. Survival instinct. A sense of faith. The Higherarchy of needs. Food. Water. Shelter. Purpose.


Why am I here? No one will ever know. Never.


And that is the thought that haunts me, and wakes me up in the night. I am nothing. And i can't stand the thought of that.




On a Completely lighter note, just to clear some air.




Conversations with Courtney

My friend Courtney and I have a way of communicating things to eachother without using words. We speak without speaking. But sometimes, we even take it a step beyond that. We communicate with words that we make up. Or by repeating different phrases with different inflections.



I light my cigarette, and roll down my window. We make our way down a dirt road, driving without destination. It's a common thing between me and courtney. We're roamers. We just like to be in motion. We enjoy our shell in her car. A cocoon for us to seperate ourselves from the world with a pane of glass. To create our own atmosphere, in which we control the weather, sights, and sounds. At this moment, our prefered environment is silence. Each of us left to our own thought. A lot of people feel the need to fill air with meaningless words. I prefer that we take the time to think. It's ok for people to just think together.


Out of the sonic darkness, a light in the form of Courtney's voice appears on the horizon.
"Describe this in one word."


"Dude," I say."Fuck.



"Fuck, Dude"


"Dude"

"Fuuuck"


"Dude!"

"Fuck."


"Dude Fuck. Dude... Fuck!"

"Dude, fuck!"


"Dude... fuck."


Then we giggle thrice in unison, and move on to the next topic of conversation. We do not address the fact that it is abnormal to have effectively communicated with eachother by repeating two words in a cycle. We accept what happed as real, and we move on. We knew what eachother meant. We understood eachother, and no one else would ever have a clue what had just happened. We Communicated. It was as simple as that.









The End...For now



















K. I should get some sleep, I open tomorrow morning.




Cole

This Weather's Bringing

It All Back Again


"Afraid to start with your heart in a headlock, I don't believe any of it"

It's one of those nights. Those fatalisitic nights where it feels like everything is coming crashing down.


Ryan and I are breaking up soon. mark my words. Mark them. He is not smart enough to date me. And he's slowly but surely becoming me again, which was my problem last time. I was right about relationships. If they fail once, they will never succeed again. He is sometimes a general annoyance to have around. We've grown apart. He is not deep, or intellectual, and he is a huge poseur who has no idea what he is talking about half of the time. This is a harsh reality that I must face.


" We're kissing without kissing, and got it down to a fine art. Love's supposed to keep you young and frisky, but we grew up and wide apart."

- Imogen Heap



But the whole issue of breaking up with Ryan, which I know in my heart is right to do. And it is that... this summer, I got drunk and confessed to Jessie that I'd had a crush on her for a very long time. We, of course made drunken plans to cheat on ryan and be together secretly. I awoke sober, and regretting everything about that night. I meant what I told Jessie. I had a huge crush on her. But I made a commitment to Ryan, and things were just taking off with him. This is back when we'd been dating for maybe 4 days. I called jess, and I told her that I'd made a mistake. That I needed to be with Ryan.

The problem, is that I handed Jessie everything she'd ever wanted, and took it all away from her. And It is the most painful situation I have ever put myself in. I cannot believe that Jessie is still friends with me after what I put her through. I can only immagine what it was like for her. I have more guilt than I can possibly say in me right now. And I'm so afraid that she's just going to be waiting around for me. she lives in Chicago. even if I broke up with Ryan, I wouldn't be with her right now. it's not right or fair. It would never work.


But I feel so awful, and I'm trapped. I don't want to leave Ryan for fear that Jessie will tihnk it's her turn, which is awful for me to even think. I shouldn't be playing these games, but I can't help it, I have to protect myself.


I know how Jessie feels. I had the same problem for a very long time. I was in love with my best friend for two years, and while i knew he didn't feel the same, he led me on so hard, and I don't even know if he knew that he was. But in my heart, I know that he knew exactly what he was doing, and that's what really kills me. that's why my friendship with Greg is suffering so badly now he's away. i'm completely out of love with him, but in falling out of love, I have grown a bitter distaste for him.  I know exactly how Jess felt though. I can only immagine if Greg had done that to me. what an awful person am I?
And I feel awful. And I feel bad because right now i'm leading two people on, and I don't even want to be. I just want to be friends with Ryan, but I know the second we break up, he will be bitter, and he will get passive agressive and start whoring himself out again, and he'll be with someone just to hurt me.


Then again, if I don't even like him anymore, why should I care? i do care. Because I'm left with no one and everyone else has a plan b.  And that's me being selfish again, which is complete bullshit. What is wrong with me? i'm not a teenager anymore, i should be done with the hormones and the angst. And I hate everyone, and every time I get close to someone, someting awful happens, or I fuck it up, or it fucks itself up.


Back to greg. What an asshole. I remember smoking with greg, and he's run his fingers over my lips and pretend like he didn't know he was doing it. Like they just brushed them. I used to take naps with him, and I'd do my best to stay on my side of the bed, and he'd always just nuzzle his head into mine, and envelop me. we both knew we weren't sleeping. And then he wants to go be with Alie. Which, I've finally become ok with. Not because it makes greg happy, but because it makes Alie happy. At least SOMEONE is getting the good end of the love deal, you know? But he cheated on her. Twice to my knowlege. He made out with courtney, back when everything had just started. Which isn't such a big deal.... because I did the same thing and convientently forgot to tell Ryan that i made out with her, and Mike LaMarco, and Jessie Kimmel, all in the same night.... But then he did it agian. Just a few weeks ago. Some drunk girl was sleeping in his bed, and he screwed around with her, and he told Stepfanie not to tell alie.... greg has no regard for anyone elses feelings. Does he even know what that can do to a person. I don't want to tell Alie, it would break her heart..... She thinks he's perfect. But he is not, and she will realize it all eventually. But I still wake up in a cold sweat wondering if greg knows how fucked up i've become because of him. I have become the least confident, and most scared person I can tihnk of in terms of a relationship. I can't keep one because I don't even know what I want anymore, and when I'm getting everything that I want, I am too veunerable, and it must be too good to be true. I can't just let myself enjoy anything. Thanks, greg. Greg was my best friend, but the day he moved to Lansing, my life took a turn for the better. And that's brutal, but it's god's honest truth.



But recently my life has turned back to its normal painful self. I was so happy when I first started with Ryan. I was SO happy. I was blind. I can see now, so I'm depresed again, of course. Life is bullshit, you know? Complete bulllshiiittt.

I have so many issues right now, I don't even know what all I can get into this entry....



I lost 45 pounds recently, and I haven't gained any of the weight back but every day when I look in the mirror, I feel huge. No one helps. no one tells me I look good anymore like they did when I first lost it all. I hate myself. that's a lie. i think I'm attractive, I just think I'm fat. and I'm flawed. Everyone who is anyone is without flaw. I go to the club, and I'm surrounded by hard bodies, tan and chisled...... and i'm so fat. I wish i were at least thin. I deserve thin. I work so hard to be the size that I am, wheras people like Greg eat any and everything, and then are fucking perfect. It's not right. I'm tired of working. i'm tired of being hungry. But I never want to be the size I was before again. I never got any attention before. now i go to the club, and I get hit on left and right, and you know what? call me superficial, but I really like it. I like being shallow every now and then so Sue me. SUE me. I care about how I look. I care that people like me. I care that people are attracted to me. this is me admitting it, and you won't see it in writing anywhere else.




So what am I going to do? I can't just sit around and wait for everything to work itself out.


"I'll never let this go. But I can't find the words to tell you... I don't want to be alone... But now I feel like i don't know you."

- Paramore



And it's true. I'm only with him because I'm so scared that if i'm left alone again, i'll regress into the greg hole that I was in for two wasted years of my life. I put so much energy into getting greg to realize we were perfect. But the only person who got to have any epiphanys was me. It was that no matter how perfect sometihng COULD be, no one will ever see it your way. And if you truly deserve something, and work for it, the worst possible tihng that you could think to happen, WILL.


and it did.









Cole

A Perfect

Lie

It's friday. I just got off of work, and here's what I think about work. I think that it's a good time to just turn yourself off and think. You don't really have to pay a lot of attention, it's kind of robotic, so I just pretty much thought all day. I loved it. Here is my dilemma.


I feel like life is not moving. Without the rigid structure of Highschool, I feel like I'm just fucking off all the time. I'm not. I've worked 32 hours this week, and I have classes on top of that. But it FEELS like I'm headed nowhere, doing nothing. I feel lost. I don't really FEEL anything. I'm at that point, I've been here before. I'm completely numb, and I'm not taking any steps to get myself where I want to be. I'm going to school, yes, but I feel like I should be writing. I need to get all my creative juices flowing before I run out of them, I think. I don't know. I've thought about doing so many things with my life, and there is not one option that people could call "safe". I want to sing, god knows that's all I want in this world. But if that doesn't work out, I want to be involved with television. I'm going to FILM school, so that I can make good tv.


I have a passion for tv, it's true. I get sucked into all these dramas, and they become a part of me. I want a part in that. I want to make something that latches itself into everyday society like Grey's. I want something powerful. I just don't know how I'm supposed to get myself there. At any rate, I'm only taking two classes this semester, so I still feel kind of like I'm not doing anything. But I AM.


I've been watching Nip/Tuck a lot lately. I love Nip/Tuck. It could be my favorite show. I have a hundred of those , but it's certainly one of them, I think. I don't know. My life is moving slow.



I haven't seen Ryan in over a week now, and with him moving to college so soon, I really worry about our relationship. I've worked so hard to get us where we are, and now it seems like we're just going to take a huge step backward. I'm going to see him once a week, if I'm lucky. Will we stay together through all of this? If we can't make time to see eachother when he's a mile away, how am I ever going to see him when he's in flint? These are pressing issues. Was the whole thing a mistake? Did I just want affection so badly that I latched onto the first person I found? I didn't think so, but the more and more we date, the more I at least think that that's why I'm staying with him. I could just be preparing myself for not seeing him. I don't know. Everything is jumbled and confused, and I feel like a blur.


I feel like everyone else is moving at lightspeed to their destination, and I am alone in the crowd, shuffling my feet, still, in a sea of motion.


that was the first creative thought I've yet to put into one of these blogs. my old one was filled with them. Where has my essence gone? Where am I? What wisdom do I have?



I don't know what to do or think anymore. It just seems like this is the end, which is so unrealistic, because I know I have this huge journey ahead of me, but I don't even know where I'm going, so how could I know how to get there?It's really weird, the whole growing up thing. I'm becoming an adult. I can no longer hide out in the councelor's office at school. I have to PAY for classes. I have to ATTEND them. I have to SUCCEED. If I want to do ANYTIHNG with my life, I have to buckle down, which i'm prepared for, but while i'm doing it, I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing, because I cannot see the benefit at the end. It's a distant glimmer that I head toward and walk every day. But it doesn't seem to get any larger with time. So I just keep walking, waiting until I feel like I'm closer. It doesn't happen. I'll let you know when it does.




Cole 

Get Out The Abacus

And Count This
 

Here I am again. It's now six thirty, and I refuse to leave my house. I woke up only a short two hours ago, and have done absolutely nothing productive since. I've avoided hanging out with anyone, including my boyfriend, who I have not seen in over a week now. Why? God knows. I just don't have it in me to do anytihng right now. I'm sure that I'll hang out with people later, though. But for now, I'm content in my coccoon. And I don't think that there's anything wrong with that, contrary to popular belief. My parents believe that every minute spent not doing anything is a minute wasted. Come ON. There's nothing like just sitting around and thinking. It's what humans have that sets them apart from everything else. We can THINK. We can BROOD. I intend to take full advantage of that.


On a lighter note, TV season is fast approaching (hence my izzy stevens header) and I have never been more excited. I can't wait to see what happens after the cliffhangers on Nip/Tuck, Grey's, and Lost. I can't wait to see what happens on the new season of Top Model. I'm a television freak. I'm holding back shows to talk about , just so it sounds like I have a life, which I do. That's why god invented TiVo. I excuse my telvision addiction with "It's my passion". Which it is, It's what I want to be doing one day, if my music career doesn't take off, which, let's face it, it probably wont. No one ever gets everything they've ever dreamed of exactly the way that they want it.


I'm in my room with the window open, and it smells like BARBECUE outside. Is it fall yet? I'm done with the distant sound of a lawnmower in the background of everyday life. And not only is it BRIGHT outside, but it's HOT. I hate smoking between classes, because it's so fucking hot and bright that I can't even watch myself melt. That was clever, Cole. I like summer because there is no school, but now that school has begun, I'm ready for no summer. Let's not shove two bad things in my life at once, shall we?


So, I officially work at a SEX store, which, when I'm famous, is going to be a really good story to tell people. "What did you do as a teenager?" - Oh, I worked at a SEX STORE. What a badass am I? haha. I sold a dildo yesterday, and I swear to god, I thought it was going to pop out an everlasting gobstopper. It looked like the gobstopper machine from Willy Wonka, for serious. It's a really entertaining job, let me tell you. Already, I've sold sexy toys to people's parents from ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. It's NORMAL people that buy shit in there. Not weirdos. Soccer Moms, Happy couples who go to church every sunday, accountants, doctors, NORMAL people. I mean, yeah, you get some big weirdos in there, but it's mostly your run of the mill couple that you'd see on the street. It just FASCINATES me. I love it.



Maybe I'll do something now, I don't know.




Cole

You Could Stand

Under My Umbrella...



So... I've decided that it's finally time for Smiles in the Dark to be back up and running. But I wanted a clean slate, so I started a completely new one. God knows if I'll even tell people about it. But I've been not blogging for long enough now, and I've really missed it.


This is a big time, we're all going through some pretty big shit, you know? Wednesday was the supposed biggest day of my life other than my wedding. I started COLLEGE. Not hardcore college like everyone else, god knows I'm not good enough for that. I go to community college. haha. But that's a big deal nonetheless. I'm now PAYING for my education, and so I have to take it far more seriously. Growing up is so gay. But I've also wanted to be grown up since I was like 4. So I'm finally where I want to be, but I'm not so sure I want it all at once like this. I don't know. I'm a confused person, as I'm sure most kids are right now, starting school. It's really a big deal, you know? It's not a joke anymore. And it's not this thing I keep talking about but never see. I made it to college. I've been talking about it since elementary school, and here I am. A college student.


So me and Ryan have been going out for two months as of yesterday. I love that I'm starting this blog now, because the original Smiles in the Dark ( www.morbidpoe111.blogdrive.com )was started as a platform for me to Ryan bash the last time we went out. I like to read through my old entries and see how sometimes I was wise for my age, and sometimes I acted it. Everything was so dramatic back then. I'm happy to say that I'm leading a life now that's pretty close to drama free. i've been working this summer on letting go of all my pent up anger. I forgave a lot this summer, because I tend to be the type to hold a grudge. I finally forgave Ryan, and that was the best possible thing I could have done, because now look where I am? I'm happier than ever. I forgave my stepmom, which just ended up giving me more to be angry for, because it made me veunerable to her again, and she, as usual took advantage of that. Some people just can't be trusted, and that's another lesson I had to learn. But some people can. I forgave Alie, and now we're as close as ever, and I don't even care about all the shit that's now completely in hindsight. I had a reality check, I guess. I had to straighten out my priorities. I had to think about myself and my own sanity for awhile, which, I surprisingly never do. Even I would assume that, being me, I'd be kind of selfish, but in reality, everything I do is strategically planned to make people happy, or to piss them off. I plan it all out. But still, pretty much everything I do is for someone else.


So life's a lot different for me now. I'm just doing a lot of thinking and changing, and I think starting the old blog back up is a really good way to organize my thoughts and get other people's opinions about it too. It's always good to hear another person's perspective on an issue. At this point I don't have a car or a liscence, but I just got a job at intimate ideas. I'm pretty far from independant, which I hate. Back in the day when I last blogged, I was more independant. Now that I'm a big kid, I have real things that i have to spend my money on, so I can't just do whatever I want with it anymore. I have to pay for my wireless internet. i'm going to have to pay for car insurance and for my car. I have to pay for school. Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my Automobills, can you pay my telephone bill? If you did then maybe we could chill. Haha. Destiny's child, you slay me. So that's the issue. I'm back to relying on my parents, and I'm at a point in my life, where I'm supposed to be breaking off and growing up, not asking for help with things. But I guess parents help a lot of kids out with school.

This is a really boring first entry, and for that I apoligise, I promise, I get more interesting.






Cole