This Weather's Bringing

It All Back Again


"Afraid to start with your heart in a headlock, I don't believe any of it"

It's one of those nights. Those fatalisitic nights where it feels like everything is coming crashing down.


Ryan and I are breaking up soon. mark my words. Mark them. He is not smart enough to date me. And he's slowly but surely becoming me again, which was my problem last time. I was right about relationships. If they fail once, they will never succeed again. He is sometimes a general annoyance to have around. We've grown apart. He is not deep, or intellectual, and he is a huge poseur who has no idea what he is talking about half of the time. This is a harsh reality that I must face.


" We're kissing without kissing, and got it down to a fine art. Love's supposed to keep you young and frisky, but we grew up and wide apart."

- Imogen Heap



But the whole issue of breaking up with Ryan, which I know in my heart is right to do. And it is that... this summer, I got drunk and confessed to Jessie that I'd had a crush on her for a very long time. We, of course made drunken plans to cheat on ryan and be together secretly. I awoke sober, and regretting everything about that night. I meant what I told Jessie. I had a huge crush on her. But I made a commitment to Ryan, and things were just taking off with him. This is back when we'd been dating for maybe 4 days. I called jess, and I told her that I'd made a mistake. That I needed to be with Ryan.

The problem, is that I handed Jessie everything she'd ever wanted, and took it all away from her. And It is the most painful situation I have ever put myself in. I cannot believe that Jessie is still friends with me after what I put her through. I can only immagine what it was like for her. I have more guilt than I can possibly say in me right now. And I'm so afraid that she's just going to be waiting around for me. she lives in Chicago. even if I broke up with Ryan, I wouldn't be with her right now. it's not right or fair. It would never work.


But I feel so awful, and I'm trapped. I don't want to leave Ryan for fear that Jessie will tihnk it's her turn, which is awful for me to even think. I shouldn't be playing these games, but I can't help it, I have to protect myself.


I know how Jessie feels. I had the same problem for a very long time. I was in love with my best friend for two years, and while i knew he didn't feel the same, he led me on so hard, and I don't even know if he knew that he was. But in my heart, I know that he knew exactly what he was doing, and that's what really kills me. that's why my friendship with Greg is suffering so badly now he's away. i'm completely out of love with him, but in falling out of love, I have grown a bitter distaste for him.  I know exactly how Jess felt though. I can only immagine if Greg had done that to me. what an awful person am I?
And I feel awful. And I feel bad because right now i'm leading two people on, and I don't even want to be. I just want to be friends with Ryan, but I know the second we break up, he will be bitter, and he will get passive agressive and start whoring himself out again, and he'll be with someone just to hurt me.


Then again, if I don't even like him anymore, why should I care? i do care. Because I'm left with no one and everyone else has a plan b.  And that's me being selfish again, which is complete bullshit. What is wrong with me? i'm not a teenager anymore, i should be done with the hormones and the angst. And I hate everyone, and every time I get close to someone, someting awful happens, or I fuck it up, or it fucks itself up.


Back to greg. What an asshole. I remember smoking with greg, and he's run his fingers over my lips and pretend like he didn't know he was doing it. Like they just brushed them. I used to take naps with him, and I'd do my best to stay on my side of the bed, and he'd always just nuzzle his head into mine, and envelop me. we both knew we weren't sleeping. And then he wants to go be with Alie. Which, I've finally become ok with. Not because it makes greg happy, but because it makes Alie happy. At least SOMEONE is getting the good end of the love deal, you know? But he cheated on her. Twice to my knowlege. He made out with courtney, back when everything had just started. Which isn't such a big deal.... because I did the same thing and convientently forgot to tell Ryan that i made out with her, and Mike LaMarco, and Jessie Kimmel, all in the same night.... But then he did it agian. Just a few weeks ago. Some drunk girl was sleeping in his bed, and he screwed around with her, and he told Stepfanie not to tell alie.... greg has no regard for anyone elses feelings. Does he even know what that can do to a person. I don't want to tell Alie, it would break her heart..... She thinks he's perfect. But he is not, and she will realize it all eventually. But I still wake up in a cold sweat wondering if greg knows how fucked up i've become because of him. I have become the least confident, and most scared person I can tihnk of in terms of a relationship. I can't keep one because I don't even know what I want anymore, and when I'm getting everything that I want, I am too veunerable, and it must be too good to be true. I can't just let myself enjoy anything. Thanks, greg. Greg was my best friend, but the day he moved to Lansing, my life took a turn for the better. And that's brutal, but it's god's honest truth.



But recently my life has turned back to its normal painful self. I was so happy when I first started with Ryan. I was SO happy. I was blind. I can see now, so I'm depresed again, of course. Life is bullshit, you know? Complete bulllshiiittt.

I have so many issues right now, I don't even know what all I can get into this entry....



I lost 45 pounds recently, and I haven't gained any of the weight back but every day when I look in the mirror, I feel huge. No one helps. no one tells me I look good anymore like they did when I first lost it all. I hate myself. that's a lie. i think I'm attractive, I just think I'm fat. and I'm flawed. Everyone who is anyone is without flaw. I go to the club, and I'm surrounded by hard bodies, tan and chisled...... and i'm so fat. I wish i were at least thin. I deserve thin. I work so hard to be the size that I am, wheras people like Greg eat any and everything, and then are fucking perfect. It's not right. I'm tired of working. i'm tired of being hungry. But I never want to be the size I was before again. I never got any attention before. now i go to the club, and I get hit on left and right, and you know what? call me superficial, but I really like it. I like being shallow every now and then so Sue me. SUE me. I care about how I look. I care that people like me. I care that people are attracted to me. this is me admitting it, and you won't see it in writing anywhere else.




So what am I going to do? I can't just sit around and wait for everything to work itself out.


"I'll never let this go. But I can't find the words to tell you... I don't want to be alone... But now I feel like i don't know you."

- Paramore



And it's true. I'm only with him because I'm so scared that if i'm left alone again, i'll regress into the greg hole that I was in for two wasted years of my life. I put so much energy into getting greg to realize we were perfect. But the only person who got to have any epiphanys was me. It was that no matter how perfect sometihng COULD be, no one will ever see it your way. And if you truly deserve something, and work for it, the worst possible tihng that you could think to happen, WILL.


and it did.









Cole